I just want to take a moment to cry, to reflect and remember. Recently a man with whom I respected and honored has passed away due to a battle that he had to fight alone. I did not know him, I’ve never met him, I’ve found that the bond that we have can only amount in numbers by others who share that same closeness.
Robin Williams was funny, smart, magnetic, but most importantly he was lost. Lost in a world of torment and sadness that eventually disabled his mental state of mind that he would soon be devoured by. While fighting these deadly demons, Manic Depression, Melancholy, Infliction ect he had no one with a sword and armor that could fight that battle with him side by side. Either they got lost in that same foggy field, were too afraid to step foot into the unknown or chose to fall behind. It is a deep rooted purgatory within ourselves a hell full of demons that don’t have horns or red glowing eyes or even a tail. Sometimes these demons are those we’ve entrusted with our bodies, our secrets and sometimes our souls and lives.
They’re our neighbors our “Friends” and even our fans. They don’t know their demonic ways because they don’t see themselves as such, but once the victim starts to see past the flesh they see a force that they can no longer be influenced by. Mental disability and mental illness are two complete different worlds that many fail to engage and understand. There is a light in a tunnel that we are in constant search for. Some of us see it and some of us move further from it.
“Misery loves company” has really screwed up societies mental in-capabilities of humanity
Today a post was lingering on my Facebook news feed that enraged me in reference to Williams decision to take his own life. I found his statement to be an utter contradiction, a disregard, indignant and a vile spew of words. Todd Bridges is a man of many demons and has even been possessed by them. His statement brings up so many battles I’ve had to face myself and many times I’ve faced them alone.
I am a woman of strength and weakness, but more so strength as I continue to wear steel armor on a daily basis. My mind is my sword to cut the heads of many demons I come into contact with. In a more basic retrospect, For those who find this a little too incomprehensible or complex, I am guarded, I put up walls and I hold strong grudges. I give little to no chances for forgiveness. I have been scarred many of times and with each scar is a story that will remain an ongoing tale to be told that I don’t want in my bookself.
I find that people forget about the daily struggles that occurs in peoples lives outside of their own and if they dont forget they choose to disregard them because its not at that level of a “Social Acceptance” that meets their expectations. It’s a burden. They just don’t want to deal or be bothered by the constant “Deby downers” or “Negative Nancy” so what do most do? They brush off their shoulders and continue about their days, live in the moment of utter ignorant bliss. I’ve been guilty of it myself at times, trying to figure out my very own emotions to where I sometimes feel as if im in a tug a war with everyone elses (Need for humor) .
I remember when I found that moment in cutting my ties with many, many people. One person in particular I cried to out of anger when I felt he was the main culprit in the way our groups friendships were drifting apart. It was becoming toxic and hateful where I had even fallen victim to an unsettling dispute I was completely unaware of at the time. Instead of taking the time to have a group meeting as he so commonly did for his “Groups Nights” he chose to ridicule me by not being thankful for having a job, not being homeless and having money…..I wanted to knock the shit out of him. He couldn’t be bothered with what was getting out of hand that frankly he encouraged.
My best friend at the time was dealing with issues of insecurities and I truly wanted to help but didn’t know how other than a firm yet concerned approach which then lead to miscommunication. The issue was later swept under the rug but the dust was still there, and I chose to go my separate way. From there on I fell into a deep depression because I couldn’t let go of the bond we had, but I was unwilling to let go of the inebriated words that put a dagger into my heart. (With unspoken words we are encouraging our bond)
That very reason is why people who deal with their own loneliness is because that one time they try to reach out or cry or even vent they are then treated with scorn and ridicule, because you then become a true reflection of their own insecurities they have yet to deal with themselves instead of dealing together. I’ve regretted loosing friendships over this, but my regret is not equivalent to their ignorance.
Through pain I am miscontrued as angry, malicious, self-destructive through sadness; I am miscontrued as distant, isolated and introverted; and through being misrepresented I am Your comical relief, your ridicule, your shadow. On my good days I am calm I am spiritual (NOT religious) I am content, because I need nothing else, but the happiness I have right in front of me I am the most giving because I then realize that the struggles I face I don’t want someone else to face them alone and by giving I let them know that they are not. We will NEVER understand what Williams went through because if we knew now he would most likely still be here. There was something that we missed by letting him go, a phone call, a note, a sigh or tear. It’s really hard to tell because in order for us to understand we have to understand. In that moment. Like a light bulb
Thankfully my mother who, Bless her heart, is on pins and needles with every ounce of physical, mental or even emotional pain I’ve endured through out my life. I can’t even have a cramp without her trying to rush me into the emergency room knowing that “Aunt Dotty” is on her way into town (Ladies). Like all the women in my family they Are my shelter my armor more so than my own. They are my heart my soul and the air that I breath and through them I live the life that I live, but its still a constant battle. Chronic Melancholy/Body Dysmorphia/Depression With each year I’ve become stronger and have taken on an alter ego. I only hope that for those who are fighting that they will soon win their battles with an army force that can not be reckoned with.
I am so so sorry Mr.Williams that you had to suffer through it alone. I truly can not blame your loved ones as I know it is hard, but I will blame those who expected far too much from you more than the love and healing gestures that they were willing to give to you. You were my laughter my smiles and my dreams I wanted to come to life. I will forever cherish the childhood memories you gave me, but I now know that it wasn’t really worth your pain, because now I feel your pain….
And then I feel happiness knowing you are ultimately free and encourage me to be happy again.
Rest In Forever Peace
Xox
For more information, Research, Love and Listen because one days worth of sorrow is an eternity of pain
Nation Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273 Talk (8255)
UPDATE
I became vulnerable last night by exposing my demons. I brought strangers into my nightmares awhile guiding them out before being consumed by what has become a second world to me. In the moment I became lost in my words not caring what comments I would receive or backlash I would get I just spoke subliminally through a question that was searching for an answer. I say to those who arrogantly try to funnel down to the root take extreme caution with your words through metaphors, sarcasm and analogies that make your point feel a valid reason as to why individuals have their set backs. My episode spiraled till the time I saw sunlight. I never imagined that this grief would have such an impact on myself and the world. The only difference between myself and those in this world is that it took death to open your eyes when I’ve been trying to just keep mine open.
Deep down I hate those who have laughed at me, but I hate myself more for encouraging their laughter
“Keep It Social”
