I sit here in a daze not knowing why; not knowing how or even who I am. My mind is at a complete loss right now, my heart is caved in; my eyes are wide open, but I stare blankly at my pillow. My dear friend, Sam Sarpong , has taken his life leaving many in question and disbelief; and we’ll never know why.

At times, I feel at a loss for words because the words that I had I could’ve used in a phone call or email. That phone call left me gasping for air, my knees keeping me from standing and my tears burning through the vision of my eyes. To hear those words from confirmation that you’re gone. It’s unreal, it’s unnerving that my thoughts are consumed with anguish.  I was so afraid that I was loosing a part of myself because I was so supportive of you when in truth I was not really supporting myself. Whenever you needed me I was there and then I just stopped. I’m torn between regret and guilt and utter confusion. I never meant to abandon you unbeknownst that you were fighting demons I could never fully see. I wanted to protect you to the point of overbearing, but I didn’t have that control and so I stepped back. You had too many people telling you yes and very few telling you no. They drowned you with the illusions they only wanted you to see. I’m sorry that my honesty turned into criticism and that my compassion became annoyance where I left you with what could have contributed to your fatality. I just wanted the best for you, but I was up against too many facades that replaced the sight of reality.

What happened?  Where did it all go wrong? When did you give up on the life and your blessings you spoke so highly about. You never had to live off of false pretenses with me for we always kept our friendship with full honesty and integrity.
Our bond was much different than most. You believed in me to no end and showed through your words and actions as I did for you. I never stroked your ego, and I never mislead you with false words, but I heightened your capacity at seeing what you already knew you had the possibility of achieving. You had everything; your family and  friends, but what took that away from you that you would take yourself away from us. I had every ample opportunity to catch up and do our regular email or text, chat maybe even meet up for lunch, but I became too absored in others and my own life that I lessened the importance of yours while those around you continued to absorb you.

It just doesn’t make sense. The visions that I have of you soaring through the sky are only dreams to escape from the reality of you falling. Crashing to your death without second guessing the possibility that it didn’t have to come to this end. What demonic creature pushed you to no end to an eternity of purgatory. Are you at peace or is your spirit walking restlessly down that bridge wishing if you could do it all over again. How did you go against everything that we spoke about, everything that you believed in; your Godly views to possibly leave you trapped without peace.

I have so many unanswered questions and an empty number and email to reach out to you in order to let you know I’m still here. This is not the type of attention you were deserving of, this was not meant for you and you deserved so much more from how much you gave. Monday morning, I could’ve been there on a slow work week. Never did I have an inkling that you needed an ear to listen to your worries and yet I was free. I was just thinking about how you were and I put that phone call on a back burner as I subconsciously do at times. The same God you spoke about in our conversations never once spoke to me when I would’ve listened. No chill or tingling sensation stating you might have been in trouble.

Why?

It’s easier to not hold regrets of what I could have done in order to lessen the pain, but I do. I came into your life just as much as you were to be a part of mine which is not a coincidence. It’s difficult to come to terms that you could’ve been me; someone who has found themselves in that same darkness. A darkness that is filled with the type of silence of not knowing if you’re truly dead or alive. I’ve battled many demons, urges and thoughts on my own without the help of others, but that in truth aided me in becoming stronger. We were so much a like yet now we’re complete opposites where our faces show a different story from where our truths lie. Your truth all along was being mirrored with a brightness full of light that it blinded me further from your darkness. I wish you could’ve used that light as a temporary guidance until we could’ve fought that darkness together.  You showed your vulnerability at your last waking moment where I wish you knew to show it at anytime. You were never weak, but just misguided.

I don’t hate you for what you did, but I hate the forces that made you do it and that’s something that many will never understand. Those who feel that your actions were thoughtless and selfish while they’re never wiping the shedded tears of so many crying inside. Never the ones to listen as they close themselves off to what seems like more emotional work than it has to be because they’re hollowness allows them that distance of humanity and empathy of another. The obdurate ones with the agony of feeling like a disease will spread once their vulnerability is shown of having the type of compassion that is a rare trait to have and to carry in the society we are currently living in now.

Sam, you had so much life and so much to live for, but yet you felt there was nothing more. So where did it all go so wrong that I’ll have to continue living without knowing. Come soon, I will visit you, silently listening to your cries so you know you’ll never feel forgotten as many like to continue their lives only to leave you at the loss of yours. This was not your year to go.

Try to rest in peace.