I’m not sure if I have a hangover, lack of sleep or if I’m subtly cramping. Actually, I think it’s all three, but one sure thing is that I had a blast last night at the El Jimador Margarita Monday Bartender Battle; and aside from all these random feelings, they balance out.

Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. My wing woman and long-time friend came through again with an event a few days ago, which surprisingly was a last minute rsvp; and yet we still made it happen. Lately, she and I have been socially M.I.A and events have been running slim. That and I’ve been shedding a lot of dead weight within my social acquaintances by sacrificing my events.

The event was going down in the Downtown area of Los Angeles where we’d watch several bartenders battle it out for making the best margarita mixes with only being a few days shy of the drunkin Fiesta Cinco de Mayo. Another Americanized holiday where a bunch of wasted idiots dive into every bar in sight, hence Dive Bar. get it?

With that being said, we dove right into this event in order to find our next golden bartender in the city of Los Angeles. Similar to my last event in a room full of local bartenders at the Jack Daniels hotel.

The event started at 9 which was perfect for our schedule. I had to pick Lauren up from her job that she was just finishing up and our friend and music artist Laquan was meeting us there. Typically between the streets of downtown and Sunset Blvd, the parking is a pain in the royal ass, but luckily we had no problem finding parking right around the corner. There wasn’t a line and Laquan had already made his way inside as we were giving our names at the door. Of course my irritation started to tingle when met with two antsy queens in jeans who impatiently brushed by me as if not to see the invisible crowd of people stampeding their way in, I calmly let them walk in front of me and Lauren and I walked in arm in arm.

Once inside and with perfect timing, Laquan walked out of the restroom as we became the three black amigos. A stage was set and hosted by LA Canvas and djs Hapa and Whitney Fierce overlooking the crowd and bartenders that were already in mixology battle among thirsty guest. The ambiance reminded me of the Mark Ronson event but only in the sense of location and guest. To the left of us was my favorite thing to do when at an event. A photo booth. Of course I didn’t want to delegate, but once Laquan left it up to me to decide, I chose to get our photos out of the way while we were still consciously sober.

A huge screen captured guest and groups during their photo shoots which of course made it hilariously awkward heaven forbid you had a photo slip up. Props were laid out on a table with a sanitizer spray can to disinfect each item for all the germaphobes like myself. Smart! we each chose several items to switch up during the photos which made it all the more fun being that with a three second mark, we were having more trouble fumbling through our different looks. Even though we hadn’t started drinking, I’m sure the crowd of people thought otherwise, but once we got the idea, we were able to get ourselves together with perfect shots.

After we emailed ourselves our photos, we walked a step over to a line wrapped around a bar that was serving pizza slices along with water filled in glass jugs for those who needed to hydrate themselves from all the liquor.

It didn’t occur to me that the pizza was coincidentally a margarita pizza that fit the idea of the theme for the evening. I threw that slice in my face so fast and grabbed another while we waited in the four separate lines to vote for the best bartenders. A voting ballet had been initially handed to each guest upon entrance with a cut off time of 11 pm.

Hey buddy!

Given that it was fifteen minutes past 10 and each line was as long as the dmv, I figured we’d kill a few birds with each of our stones and each stand in a line just to make the process a lot quicker.

There was supposed to be five bartenders battling it out, but only four were present. Jackson Berlin and his “Action Jackson”, Ryan Hooks and his “Mango Tango”, Arnie Pagan and his “Morrissey” and Bob Brassel and his “The Tara Reid-A”. Not sure if I’d want a taste of that last one.

Lauren and Laquan waited in Arnie’s line while I chose Jackson the big guy with the bandanna. My line seemed to be moving awfully slow as so did the other three, but soon sped up the closer I got to the front. These guys appeared to be moving quickly considering that they were mixing up a batch of their liquor potion for the entire room. Right as I got to the front, three young guys standing in front of me must’ve been confused thinking that this was some sort of a bar.

Now Boarding

While one guy was casually sipping his shot of margarita which was just that, a shot that you shoot back and keep moving, all three of them made unnecessary conversation with the bartender which seemed as though they were holding up the process. Finally Jackson made his multiple pours and while Lauren and Laquan had only moved an inch or two, I was in the next line.

Jackson was good just like any typical margarita with sour mix, house Tequila and lime with a shake of salt. Okay, so not trying to be biased as this was my first pour, but I actually liked it.

St. Felix Hollywood

Ryan, a guy in pink who has possibly bartend in your casual dinning restaurants moved with much ease. Even though he seemed quiet yet with a great sense of humor and the sore thumb that stood out from the other three who looked as if they were in a masters mixologist society, was pouring drinks faster than I had expected. Lauren and Laquan on the other hand were still standing in the same spot that I had last seen them in. While dancing to the music having a great time, somehow Arnie had the battle confused with a dance party and even took a moment to step from behind the bar to join in.

Powder Room

Every once in awhile I’d walk up to them asking what the hold up was as if I were having a drinking battle of who could get the most shots first. This guy was doing the absolute most and somehow lacked a sense of urgency which was becoming an annoyance to myself and others in my line. His awareness of time was disregarded as he continued to put on a show for his thirsty audience. I began having a stupid debate with a bootlegged T-pain in dreads as he tried so to defend the title of Arnie while referencing me as a Nene Leakes , but myself and new friends all agreed that his execution would be the overall determination if he received any votes regardless of his rambunctious personality. Dreads stated that his techniques would surely win our votes, but shit as much as he was doing from actually making the drinks, I doubted we’d even have a chance to try it, so I asked Lauren to just grab me one. Shortly after he was given a countdown notice he started getting the ball rolling.

Ryan on the other hand had already made his pours and then I was onto my third line while Lauren and Laquan were still in line. Ryan’s was delicious!  Right up my alley with a blend of what I thought tasted like mango and strawberry. Not overly sweet or tart but just right. I probably could’ve just had a pitcher but then I would’ve been sprawled out on the floor.

St. Felix West Hollywood

Bob who looked like a Hollywood VIP host or promoter with an incognito baseball cap surprisingly was the fastest. I can’t even remember standing in the line. On wait yes I do. But either way I wasn’t in the line for long. By this time Lauren and Laquan had met up with me while Lauren saved me a shot from Arnies line. It was good, but after all that I would  think it could have been better. A room temperature berries blend that can be the worst when you’re picking berries out of your teeth. Had he of focused on some ice, then he would’ve been my first pick but I was still sold on Ryan. Lauren went over to Ryan’s line while Laquan and I stayed in Bob’s considering time was ticking.

Once at the front and when he quickly made his pours we grabbed one and took a sip. Holy shit! This was taaaaaaart. I’m not sure if he over calculated the sour mix or salt, but that was all I tasted. I had to shake that of and throw the remainder of it away. Whew never call your drink a Tara Reid, Lindsey Lohan, or Amanda Bynes or any one of these disastrous celebrities especially if it taste as bad as these people are in their comebacks. Thankfully Lauren had already taken one of Ryan’s shots which she gave to Laquan and therefore I took before he had the option of finishing it.

I chose my winner and handed in my ballet awaiting the winning announcement.

Surprisingly, there was still enough time, but Lauren, Laquan and I danced and snap chatted on the upper level towards the bar with other guest. I noticed a guy having a rough time spitting out whatever wasn’t working with his taste buds or stomach as he started spitting on the floor to my disgust. He managed to continue getting all that taste residue into a garbage can and walked out of the building. Heaven forbid if I wanted another slice of pizza that would’ve been the end of that.

5 minutes were left so I quickly ran back in line hoping to get one last shot of the Mango Tango, but by this time Ryan was only doing straight up shots of tequila. Oh no. Arnie on the other hand was ticking down to the time wire as guest were crowded around his bar area as he started making pitchers of his berry drink. I had seen the two women that were standing in line with me earlier and encouraged them to get one last shot at trying Arnie’s drink. Sarah asked me my opinion which didn’t fair too well with my vote, but I still insisted that while he was on crunch time to take a cup and just grab a pour. One thing I will say is that he definitely knows how to entertain his customers. I gave the guy a break considering he’s still an awesome bartender outside of the competition, so I gave his drink another chance. The ladies and I still agreed that the Mango Tango was ultimately the winner.

Yes that is Ryan and Arnie dancing

Shortly after, the announcement of the winner was ready to begin. Before announcing a winner we were given an authentic Spanish performance and a viewing of an onstage artist and his overly desperate attention seeking co-painter who damn near broke her back to give us a view of her backside. The group of bartenders lined up where each of them gained an equal amount of an applause, but just as I had expected, the winner of the evening was no other than Ryan and his Mango Tango!

Poor looser much Jackson?

Clearly dreads earlier argument was not only moot but over all a bust on his theory where the real logic is that sometimes less is more. After Ryan’s win he was given a medal and everyone dispersed like a fire drill.

By the time the competition was done and after everyone cleared out, Lauren, Laquan and I were ready to go. Not that we didn’t have fun considering we had a blast, but there were a couple of faces that were in clear view that we would’ve preferred being out of sight. After I grabbed one more slice of pizza and a cup of that warm water in the glass jugs, we headed out the door.

If I could go to more events that featured some of Los Angeles best bartenders, there would be no reason to go to actual bars and leave broke because we’d have the best of both worlds. Yet then again, if ever I have a craving for where to find the best mixologist in town, these are the type of events that will help you find them.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!